What exactly is Trump doing at Mar-a-Lago all day?

Fortunately for us, the club's members are giving the man most of what he needs.

Donald Trump was relatively quiet when he first left office, and while that’s not too unusual for most former presidents, it was unprecedented for him. Most of that could be attributed to the fact that a) he no longer had Twitter and b) his impeachment trial was just around the corner. But after his acquittal on February 13, our dear departed president became a free man for the second time.

“Our historic, patriotic, and beautiful movement to Make America Great Again has only just begun,” Trump said in his first post-acquittal statement. “In the months ahead I have much to share with you, and I look forward to continuing our incredible journey together to achieve American greatness for all of our people. There has never been anything like it!”

And yet—our only real signs of life have been a few emailed statements and the occasional photograph whenever some swollen, neckless senator decides to go kiss the ring. Still, according to CNBC, Trump’s Save America PAC is sitting on over $85 million. It’s admittedly unclear what that money will be used for, but it is supposedly there nonetheless. He’s also ostensibly got a team hunting down GOP primary challengers, but ultimately, most of his endorsements, as with everything else the man does, appear to be decided on a whim.

So how is the most attention-hungry of former presidents actually filling his time? Because Trump is now effectively living at a private club perpetually littered with wealthy supporters desperate to show off their close, personal friendships with the former president, we can actually construct a pretty decent picture of his daily routine. It’s a life full of powerful visitors, grim sycophants, and ecstatic worshippers at every turn. In short, it’s Donald Trump’s wildest dreams come true.

February 5

Donald Trump hands someone a wad of cash. For some reason, this causes supporters to lose their minds.

February 7

Donald Trump enters the dining room at his club to raucous applause and joins in on the clapping for reasons that remain unclear. He then points in various directions before holding up a fist in solidarity with the labor movement. Thank you, sir.

Trump then watches The Big Game just like any red-blooded American would—in a full suit and surrounded by black, velvet rope.

A post shared by @koshernews

February 15

Trump is now officially acquitted in the Senate and celebrates by hanging out with Hercules-cum-conspiracy freak, Kevin Sorbo. Less famous club-goers look on and shout “we love you” from the wings.

February 17

Trump fills the emotional void formed in Kevin Sorbo’s absence by standing in the center of his dining room as club members hoot and holler at him. It’s unclear how long this went on.

As an added bonus, we here at Trashberg are proud to bring you multiple angles of this heartwarming event.

A post shared by @fabrenavas

February 18

Trump poses for a photo with a group of adoring fans at his Palm Beach golf club. From left to right, we have: Thad, Tad, Tavin, Teddy, Trip, Tucker, and Big Mike.

Later that night, each man went home and wept.

February 20

Trump crashes a lovely young couple’s engagement photos. When asked to join, the sweat-drenched former president proudly announces, “I’m a little sloppy,” before insisting that the young woman stand next to him. A beautiful moment they’ll one day relay in detail to their deeply unsettled children.

Stunning.

This is also the weekend Trump spent some time with Lindsey Graham, though pictures of that remain at-large.

February 24

As he settles down to eat, Trump is approached by an ecstatic supporter who first attempts to shake his hand but, upon being ignored, then presents him with his elbow. No one really seems to walk away from this exchange satisfied.

February 25

Trump spends the day hanging out with a 27-year-old.

February 27

Trump plays golf with the Texas attorney general. We are now entering the period known as “How Long Has Donald Trump Been Wearing That Outfit.”

March 11

Trump spends some time with Florida junior senator and bane to frozen mice everywhere, Rick Scott.

March 12

Trump makes an appearance at a Mar-a-Lago fundraiser wearing The Outfit. At one point, a woman says to what is presumably a Secret Service agent off-camera, “We’re not going to hurt him—we love him.” Unfortunately for her, it appears Secret Service agents are not simply allowed to take your word for it.

Trump, still in The Outfit and still very damp, goes on to make an impromptu speech at the aforementioned fundraiser.

March 13

It’s Day 2 of the fundraiser, and our boy is back for more, still in The Outfit.

Impeccably dressed women swarm the sweaty septuagenarian as they thank him for his service and shout words of adulation.

He, once again, decides to make a speech.

Trump then rounds off the day by mercifully changing clothes and heading off to dinner amidst yet another standing ovation.

March 14

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says hello from a safe distance.

March 15

It’s now Representative Vernon Jones’s turn to pop by for a visit.

March 19

Trump, back in The Outfit, catches a round of golf before being approached by a group of men all named Rick.

That evening, the Ricks all make love to their wives for the first time in months, no one speaks of why.

Later that same day, Trump gives a speech in which he recounts Joe Biden’s stair stumble. The crowd has never heard anything funnier in their lives.

March 21

Trump attends an annual car show that takes place on the Mar-a-Lago grounds while wearing The Outfit. After being swarmed by ecstatic supporters, he notes “It used to be fun being here.” Very important to play it cool. Smart thinking, sir.

A woman asks Trump to take a picture before blurting out, “I love you.” Donald does not say it back.

Another woman wishes Trump’s youngest son, Barron, a happy birthday. Trump appears confused by both the name and the fact of the birthday. “Oh yeah,” he says.

March 23

One Mar-a-Lago member shares what is perhaps the most incredible, perfect video I have ever seen.

Later that day, Trump hangs out with a 25-year-old while wearing The Outfit. Trump appears vaguely confused about the purpose of the video, but smiles nonetheless.

March 26

Trump poses between two men in phenomenal suits. Fortunately, he had the foresight to remove The Outfit before greeting two Mar-a-Lago fashion icons.

March 27

Donald attends a wedding being hosted at the club and gives a toast in the form of a rally speech as the band waits uncomfortably behind him—a day to be remembered by all.

March 28

Trump, wearing The Outfit, does a lap around the dining room as guests fist pump and shriek. It’s unclear if he was actually here to eat.

April 2

It is now impossible for Trump to consume food without first enjoying a standing ovation as people shout their allegiance at him. This will likely present problems in the future.

A post shared by @barronupdate

April 4

Trump comes down early to a mostly empty dining room on Easter morning. The clappers must work twice as hard.

Trump later perfects his Mar-a-Lago entrance music.

April 5

Trump is visited by man-desperately-clinging-to-relevance Stephen Miller. Naturally, the two men have much to discuss.

But of course, we can only learn so much from videos and photographs. So if you or anyone you know is a member of or works at Mar-a-lago, please do get in touch. Until then, I will see you all on Friday.

Correction, 4:03 p.m.: An earlier version of this post incorrectly listed Lindsey Graham’s visit as being part of the Palm Beach Republican Party Lincoln Dinner—that occurred in 2019. Lindsey just came this year to say hi.