Hello, friends, and welcome to the last unlocked edition of the Friday (and sometimes Saturday) Trashbag. Starting next week, these posts will be exclusive to paying subscribers. Non-Trashbag posts will for the most part remain open to all. That said, if there’s anything nightmarish enough to get me shunned from polite society should any sane person read it, there’s a decent chance I will be locking that as well. So, my grotesque-loving friends, get it while it’s hot.
Now, earlier this week we looked at Don Jr.’s increasingly manic post-First Son life on Rumble.com, the new conservative virtual darling. And since the comment section on Rumble is, at least for the time being, perhaps the last truly earnest place left online, I thought we could all take some time this weekend to bask in its various delights.
Self-care really is so important. So, please, enjoy.
In response to a video in which Don Jr. credits the success of vaccines to his father
In response to a video about people making fun of him on Twitter
In response to a video about Ted Cruz going to Cancún
Did you hear about the aliens? There’s aliens.
Now, I’ve had a lot of people try to tell me that this video merely depicts “drones” or “perfectly explainable phenomena, if you will simply read this article explaining it.” Guess what? Not gonna read that article, you fucking nerd. It’s the aliens, and they are here for their alloys. Give the aliens their alloys!
Guess the mouth
How quickly things change. Whereas last week I found myself delighted to discover so many esteemed Trashberg readers had such a deep familiarity with John Cornyn’s mouth, I’m afraid this week I feel only shame. The number of people who thought the below tongue belonged to Mitch McConnell was simply astounding. This little guy belongs to our very own Chuck Schumer.
Mitch McConnell’s mouth is a bizarre purple-and-yellow–encrusted portal to the abyss that you will know when you see, I assure you. But for now, let’s put all that behind us.
Reader, please guess the mouth.
Now, because I do want you all to succeed, I will tell you that this mouth belongs to a current U.S. senator. And godspeed.
Let’s give away some money, shall we?
Substack’s editor is informing me that I’m nearing Gmail’s cutoff point, so before we wrap things up, it’s time to start deciding where we’ll be sending our 15 percent of subscriber fees.
You can read more about how this works here, and let me know down below how you think this money should best be spent. We’ll vote on the winner next week. Until then, I leave with you this, from the beloved Don Jr. video “Is Biden's Dog Just Following His Rules?”
Keep your eyes 👁️open👁️, and I will see you next week.