The Rumsfeld memos you probably haven't seen

A war criminal who knew his medium, gone about 20 years too late.

Late US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld indicates the sort of breasts he would like to have. Shah Marai/Getty

Hello again, friends. We here at Trashberg are determined to get back on schedule, and as we do that, let’s ease in with a bit of a celebration.

You may recall that, just a few weeks ago, perpetually-at-large war criminal and man who inflicted unspeakable suffering on millions Donald Rumsfeld finally graced us with his death. You also might have seen mention of his infamous “Snowflakes”—the term he used for the copious, often inscrutable memos that he forced onto his underlings for years. The “Issues w/Various Countries” memo, for instance, has become famous for its wild, incomprehensible demands and lack of any elaboration or context whatsoever. It is the undisputed apex of the memo as an art form.

Chop, chop, Doug.

But we do ourselves a disservice by focusing on just that one, jotted-off request that his policy adviser solve Pakistan. Thanks to Rumsfeld’s own website and the National Security Archive’s excellent FOIA work, we have access to a great many other internal messages, a review of which makes it clear: Even if Donald Rumsfeld hadn’t left a legacy of untold global destruction in his wake, he would belong in the Hague for his memos alone. No one, not even the factotums of the American war machine, deserves this shit.

This bitch is just talking to himself

While most of Rumsfeld’s memos were sent to various underlings and colleagues, he also had a habit of occasionally jotting down a stray thought for his own records.

Glad we have a record of this.

Can’t remember it now that you’re dead, though.

Please, I want you to imagine having this thought. The words formed in your brain. You said to yourself, I need to create a permanent record of this, such an inspiring moment. Then you read it back, perfectly happy with what you see. You hand it to a staffer, telling them to type it up onto its very own sheet of paper, where it will eventually make its way into the National Archives. At no point do you feel anything even approaching shame.

What incredible confidence it must take.

Who is this for? I can’t even begin to fathom.

Thank you, sir.

And that brings us to an extra special memory he seems to have wanted to keep for himself.

Donald, I do not think he was joking in quite the way you think.

Mysteries of the world

But Rumsfeld was not just a man with deep thoughts; he was also a man who thought deeply.

About the world, and the way the world works.

What do you do with a thought like that? Only David Chu knows.

Every day brings knew challenges, though.

And all we can do is face them one at a time, seeking out answers wherever they might be.

When that inevitably fails, though, at least there’s always Steve.

~*~Never stop learning, bc life never stops teaching~*~

One thing I will say about Donald Rumsfeld: He wasn’t afraid to ask the hard questions.

And while he was occasionally willing to admit to having absolutely no idea what he was doing…

…he never stopped trying to understand.

The Paul Wolfowitz chronicles

Ah, Paul Wolfowitz. Donald Rumsfeld’s deputy secretary of defense and recipient of some of the most inane and impenetrable requests of all.

That, my friend, is called leadership.

Everyone knows Lane the paper writer. Everyone loves Lane the paper writer.

Is someone working on this hypothetical I just made up in my head?

Well, Paul?

Why is it taking you so long to come up with a few simple lists of every possible scenario, you know, just sort of in general, Paul?

Ah yes, the war on terror is definitely going to end, Paul. Don’t worry.

Get your goddamn act together, Paul.

The original #girlboss

Where my ladies at?

Ah, there they are.

Nothing to see here

Every once in a while, Rumsfeld would come out with something equal parts meaningless and menacing.

What exactly are you planning to do with the Coast Guard, buddy?

I’m sure this is all fine.

Perhaps the only correct thing he’s ever said

Everyone gets one, I guess.

One more time, is it an “s” or a “z”?

And finally…

This particular memo was followed by a sheet listing the various qualifications necessary for being buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Qualifications that, as far as I can tell, do not seem to apply to him in any way whatsoever.

And while there is virtually no information regarding Donald Rumsfeld’s funeral or burial anywhere that I’ve been able to find, I feel relatively certain that, had Rummy been buried at Arlington, we’d have heard about it by now. In which case, please join me in wishing this phenomenally corncobbed motherfucker a pleasant journey on his way to hell.