Partisanship is tearing WikiFeet apart

It's time for our nation of foot fetishists to heal.

WikiFeet, a website that exists for the express purposing of rating and reviewing the the feet of various public figures, has only a few rules when it comes to commenting on the foot and/or feet in question. 1) No “sexual references, hateful, racist or derogatory expressions.” And 2) all foot lovers are welcome and encouraged to express their opinions, “as long as they are respectful.”

And while one might not expect the internet’s foremost hub for men who masturbate to feet to have a particularly strong sense of propriety, the users of wikiFeet are, for the most part, deeply dedicated to keeping all discussions of exactly where and how firmly they’d like to be stomped on as respectful and objective as possible. This not to say that the very online foot fetishists among us shy away from harsh critiques. Rather, they simply try to judge the foot on its own merits. Take, for example user 87heron’s review of Tilda Swinton’s feet: “NOT REALLY MY KINDA A WOMAN BUT HER FEET ARE OK.” 87heron, like all respected wikiFeet users, recognizes that one must separate the woman from the foot. Their duty may be a simple one, but it’s a sacred one nonetheless: rate and review feet, nothing more.

But ours is an era of hyperpoliticization. Partisan bias regularly threatens to rock the very foundation upon which this empire of feet rests. Validly or not, many have been suspected of allowing their own political leanings to influence their ratings.

Fortunately, just as numerous are the sort of steadfast, single-minded foot devotees who understand that wikiFeet would be nothing without its integrity. In fact, we could all take a lesson from these men who have almost certainly ejaculated on at least one printed-out photo of a stranger’s foot. So please, gather round, and allow me to introduce you to the unsung heroes of wikiFeet, the principled nonpartisans who amid so much political ferment insist on sticking to toes.

Our journey begins with Serial Bridge Arsonist, who, despite finding Rep. Lauren Boebert to be “lacking in critical thinking skills,” is able to admit to a desperate desire to see the soles of her feet. Footaficionado1 hears his cry, and agrees. “I don’t think politics should affect feet rating,” he says. As noble a creed as there ever was.

Wchris30, while of similar mind, edges into ad hominem territory when he refers to Boebert’s “insane political beliefs.” Thankfully, he catches himself. He can separate one’s belief from one’s feet, he assures. And the latter? “I DO agree with them!” he tells us.

As for Lauren Boebert, if you’re reading this, the least you can do is give these men a nice, high-res sole shot.

Here we stumble upon a painfully common quality among wikiFeet users: deep, penetrating shame. User Love Her Feet knows exactly what he wants. He wants to tend to and cherish the feet of one Kellyanne Conway.

Tragically for Love Her Feet, one cannot have Kellyanne Conway’s feet without also having Kellyanne Conway. If there’s one thing Love Her Feet teaches us, it’s that man contains multitudes.

When it comes to Marjorie Taylor Greene’s ratings, user Connoisseur came ready to do the work. He saw the comments being made—comments like “Perhaps that space laser hit her feet?” from bigbootsdaddy and “Like lumpy gravy” from GuyManDood19. He saw the poor quality of the photos being judged. He put two and two together. Bias was afoot.

BobPisso, seeing this egregious crime against feet, did some sleuthing of his own in hunting down prime foot shots from multiple angles. Majorie Taylor Greene may not have much hope for a foot fetishist voting bloc herself. But her feet? Why, that’s a different mater entirely.

Ah, Tomi Lahren, one of political media’s more polarizing figures. She actively seeks controversy, so it’s only natural to expect a particularly contentious wikiFeet page. And there indeed one finds plenty of infighting that has very little to do with feet.

It’s precisely because of all that off-topic squabbling, though, that wikiFeet’s more upstanding users take particular joy in setting the example. MvP419 seems to be a man of true passion, as disgusted by Lahren’s politics as he is electrified by her toes, making his ability to separate one from the other all the more impressive.

Eliccio, too, is determined to keep his ratings as objective as possible. But he goes one step further, refusing to give even the slightest indication of where his politics might lie.

He is the Jake Tapper of wikiFeet, and braver in his own way than the troops.

Here we have a particularly curious comment on Nikki Haley’s page. Admittedly, it makes no mention of feet and references one of my very favorite conspiracy theories occasionally making the rounds.

It doesn’t really have anything to do with the topic at hand, but it felt criminal to keep this from the public.

Did you know the late Sen. John McCain had a daughter? Her name is Meghan, and she’s built a storied career on the fact that her parents once had unprotected sex resulting in her. Another product of that encounter? Meghan’s feet.

User a foot fetishist may vote Democrat, but that doesn’t stop him from drooling over these “conservative minded feet.”

Defeetme’s passion for Meghan McCain’s feet reaches similarly uncomfortable heights.

Congratulations to John McCain on his lasting legacy.

Kimberly Guilfoyle: former first lady of San Francisco, former co-host of Fox News’s The Five, current girlfriend of professional divorced man Don Jr., woman who would be a year older than her stepmother-in-law should she marry the aforementioned beau. Guilfoyle is another woman who actively seeks controversy and press, making fully objective feet ratings particularly difficult to ascertain. Wulfrido, what say you?

Thank you for your input. Anyone else?

A welcome reminder that men of honor walk among us yet.

It’s not just liberals lusting after toes across the aisle, though. WikiFeet users are even able to (mostly) set aside biases for Democrats as polarizing as Hillary Clinton.

Feetguy55 appears to be one of the many individuals who voted against Donald Trump rather than for Hillary Clinton. Might Hillary have eked out a win if she’d been more willing to show feet?

It’s impossible to know for sure, but on the other hand, almost certainly yes.

Hugo jaxon is one of the rare users to come in with open prejudice, only to be swayed once presented with the facts (feet pics) at hand. While his dedication to fair foot rating might not be as conscious as the others, his principles remain just as steadfast.

In contrast, BigDaddyWizz very intentionally makes a show of his objectivity, going so far as to slander hugo jaxon’s integrity in the process.

The reference to Benghazi was merely a bit of color, BigDaddyWizz. Please read more closely.

Jenny McCarthy is currently best known for her anti-vax activism, so her page is understandably littered with comments on her particular brand of idiocy. Still, deeply misguided and actively harmful though she may be, she is a person with feet, and attention must be paid.

And as display name 26 so eloquently states, “this is a foot site not a brain one.” If you remember one thing, reader, let it be that.