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Trashbag: This is late because I was looking at heinous photos of Prince Philip
Elegy written in a Getty search bar
Before we get going, we must say goodbye to the man who once asked Australian Aborigines if they “still throw spears at each other.”
The man who once asked Obama if he can “tell the difference between” world leaders.
And who, upon meeting a wealthy Cayman Island resident, asked, “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”
Here he is driving just months after surrendering his license for hitting a car carrying a mother and her baby.
What’s a newsletter without some reader dialogue? Every week, I’ll be answering a few questions from Trashberg subscribers. You can ask me anything—advice, hypotheticals, whether I think Jared Kushner has ever seen Trump naked, the only limit is your own imagination. If you’ve got a question, you can send it to email@example.com. I’m here to help.
Which members of Congress do you think Matt Gaetz was showing off his girlfriend’s nudes to, if that particular story is true?
This is actually a harder question to answer than it might seem. But first, for those unfamiliar with this particular set of allegations, the CNN report from earlier this month:
Gaetz allegedly showed off to other lawmakers photos and videos of nude women he said he had slept with, the sources told CNN, including while on the House floor. The sources, including two people directly shown the material, said Gaetz displayed the images of women on his phone and talked about having sex with them. One of the videos showed a naked woman with a hula hoop, according to one source.
The most likely suspect is, of course, Jim Jordan. Just look at these two pals.
Countless photos exist of them chatting, whispering, giggling, and otherwise having times they’ll always remember with the friends they’ll never forget.
Next up, we have our beloved Bros Caucus, which we know counted campaign finance fraud bad boy Duncan Hunter as a member (though he’s since resigned). And considering Hunter’s history of enjoying at least one vice on the House floor, it’s hard to imagine him saying no to Matt shoving a few nudes in his face.
Here’s where we run into an issue. According to recent reports, Matt Gaetz doesn’t actually have that many friends at his day job. As it turns out, being an enormous asshole and living in the Fox News greenroom doesn’t actually win you a ton of allies. And considering the fact that this bit of alleged info got leaked to the press in the first place, all signs point to the possibility that Gaetz was showing pretty much whoever just happened to be there. In which case, sure, this seems about right:
What is your Mount Rushmore of people who should be unbanned from Twitter for the sake of comedy?
I’m not proud of this, but there are times when I wish Donald Trump were still on Twitter. For instance, had Trump been on Twitter when the Matt Gaetz investigation news first hit, there’s an 85 percent chance he would have said something in support of Matt that implicated in him at least a few federal crimes. That said, I really do think his removal has vastly improved the country’s general well-being. Bill Mitchell, however, was a perfect Twitter foil. There was not a single thing in the world this man didn’t have an opinion on.
The flaws in conventional global warming wisdom? Check.
The lies told to us by astrophysicists? Check.
Diarrhea as it relates to reparations? Check.
Jews? Absolutely a check.
And of course, anyone capable of creating tweets of this caliber should get a lifetime pass on the site.
Free Krassenstein. Free Bill. Free our nation.
Last night while giggling about Matt Gaetz and wondering how large his dumb face is, I tried to find a picture of him wearing a hat. I could not find any pictures, and I'm fairly certain that it is because no hats are made to fit his Glen Quagmire head. Even if he had like a custom Florida Failson University hat made, I'm convinced that he would still look like a fucking goober. So, my question is, can you find a picture of Matt Gaetz wearing a hat?
As far as I can tell, Matt Gaetz has worn a hat precisely four times.
In June of 2017, he posted this photo to his Facebook page.
In 2019, he traveled to the Arizona. Always one to look the part, he donned this bad boy.
And in the Daily Mail’s article about the big Nestor reveal, we see Matt in two different hats in photos that the Mail claims came from his Instagram account. For whatever reason, those photos no longer seem to exist. Where’d the photos go, Matt?
Screenshots I took this week and can’t remember why
Guess the mouth
Guess the mouth is a game in which you, the Trashberg subscriber, attempt to guess which nationally known political figure owns that week’s mouth. Answers will be revealed the following Friday.
Somehow, multiple of you managed to guess that last week’s mouth belongs to none other than Texas Sen. John Cornyn. Every one of you should be ashamed and I couldn’t be prouder.
Now, without further ado: Reader, guess the mouth.
Open thread (for paying subscribers):
I know it’s late, but I’ll be back here periodically throughout tomorrow to chat and just generally shoot the shit. Comments for this will only be open to paying subscribers, because even my own masochism has its limits. So come on by if you want to chat. Otherwise, have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see you all next week.
One more note: I’ll be asking for suggestions on what to do with this month’s subscriber revenue next week, so start thinking. The only rule is that it has to be something that makes the world just a little less bad.