The most sacred place on the internet is David Cameron's Twitter replies
"Jog on Dave you pig shagging prat"
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Because I’m currently working on a more intensive Trashberg investigation that should (hopefully) be ready next week, today we’re just going to look at a quick little phenomenon that I’ve admired for years now. But first, we must remember the time that David Cameron (allegedly) put his dick in a dead pig.
The year is 2015. Barack Obama is president, Donald Trump is little more than a sideshow candidate, and the single greatest collection of words ever to grace Wikipedia (seen below) has yet to be deleted by the Philistines it calls editors.
We were living in a golden age, ignorant and unconcerned with all that would eventually come to pass. But then the Daily Mail told us that a college-aged David Cameron had put his penis inside the mouth of a decapitated pig’s head. The revelation came as part of an excerpt from an unauthorized biography of Cameron by former Conservative Party deputy chair Lord Michael Ashcroft and journalist Isabel Oakeshott:
A distinguished Oxford contemporary claims Cameron once took part in an outrageous initiation ceremony at a Piers Gaveston event, involving a dead pig. His extraordinary suggestion is that the future PM inserted a private part of his anatomy into the animal’s mouth.
The authors go on to say that this source, “himself an MP,” repeated the allegation at least three times, adding that he claims to have seen a photograph and that the pig’s head “had been resting on the lap of a Piers Gaveston society member while Cameron performed the act.” For those unfamiliar with the Piers Gaveston Society, Sick Note author and British friend of Trashberg Libby Watson offers some helpful context:
The University of Oxford, founded as early as 1096, is Britain’s oldest and most elite university. With that prestige, and with Britain’s intensely ridiculous aristocratic traditions, comes the existence of several secretive and exclusive societies—think Yale’s Skull and Bones but with perhaps more focus on getting totally sloshed. These groups pride themselves on frightfully naughty behavior: drinking, taking drugs, trashing pubs, and generally reveling in the excess and protection that extreme wealth and privilege provide. […] And supposedly the Piers Gaveston society (or “Piers Gav”) is one of the most depraved of the lot.
Now, whether there was any sort of thrusting on Cameron’s part, or if he simply placed his penis inside the mouth of the dead farm animal resting on his friend’s lap only to stand perfectly still as his peers looked on in silence, remains unclear. Also unclear is whether or not anything about this story is actually true. There seems to be at least some reason to believe the book is an act of revenge, though the journalist who co-wrote the biography with Lord Ashcroft claimed otherwise. And there’s also no definitive proof that Cameron ever belonged to the Piers Gaveston Society. But as with most things online, the truth of it all matters less than the fact that, for a solid week at least, millions of people were imagining David Cameron’s penis in the mouth of a dead pig. The unusual part here, though, is that the story has lived on in Cameron’s Twitter replies. People there have faithfully carried the pig-shagging torch for the past six years and show no signs of ever putting it down.
In the immediate aftermath of the story, Cameron was unable to tweet without receiving constant, increasingly profane reminders of his alleged pork porking. That’s to be expected. But even just this month, when David Cameron tweeted his condolences upon the death of Prince Philip…
…his dedicated followers responded with this.
Here’s Dave mourning the death of conservative MP Cheryl Gillan:
And here are Dave’s followers, mourning that poor, possibly apocryphal pig:
Look, David Cameron got vaccinated!
Everyone is very excited for our friend David.
David Cameron, clearly not one to shy away from somber tweets, commemorates Holocaust Memorial Day.
And his followers dutifully commemorate David Cameron’s commemoration of Holocaust memorial day.
David Cameron encourages citizens to vote:
Citizens encourage David Cameron to get fucked:
David Cameron discusses Alzheimer’s research:
And staying on theme, users decide to jog his memory:
Since the day the Daily Mail article broke, Cameron has not been able to craft a single tweet that didn’t elicit jubilant replies about pig fucking.
And while a number replies come from Americans eager to get in on the fun, many more are unmistakably, aggressively British.
So as you go about your day, I urge you to take time to appreciate the dedication and fury of the brave posters who take it upon themselves day in and day out to remind the former prime minister that, as far as the people are concerned, David Cameron’s only other legacy besides profoundly fucking over the UK is that, once in college, he allegedly put his dick inside of a dead pig’s mouth.
And with that, I will see you all again tomorrow with the first locked edition of Friday Trashbag.
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This is entirely validating my subscription decision. Money well spent already.